FINALLY, I've had a chance to at least review my entries from the 40+ days of divinely inspired deeding during Lent. It's long — sorry. A recap and some general feelings are below. One of these days I plan to really scrutinize my data. But here's some preliminary reflection:
Ask and you shall...(not exactly receive what you had in mind)
When I started thinking about Lent this year, I thought I would take something on instead of give something up. Surely, God would be behind me on this venture, I thought to myself.
And of course he was. But he reminded me of something: I wasn't the one driving this train.
On Day 2, I was diagnosed with a borderline case of pre-diabetes. My visions of a sweet, salty, crunchy and finger-lickin' Lent would not come to pass. I could take something on for Lent all day long, God told me. But he was also going to help me shave some key items off my love list. He was going to show me how to put the things I held dear — my healthy cheese puffs, my chocolate, my chardonnay and my carby bits of crunch — in a better perspective.
I thought that was a fantastic way to get started. It was humbling, and that's where I needed to start.
What moths destroy
Another good one? I started this experiment almost right away with a horrible and unexpected infestation of moths in my home. This was also a humbling place to begin — and I can't help but know God was trying to tell me something with this.
All this stuff in my house — the oriental rugs, the old couches, all the stuff that straps us down — is so temporary and insignificant in the big picture. I think that's the message I was hearing. This junk you're so proud of? Well guess what — a bunch of nasty, flying little bugs can make it all disappear.
Humbling.
All by myself...
Just like the woeful 70s ballad, I was also very alone through the experiment. To make things even more challenging, God gave me the gift of telecommuting just prior to Lent. Don't get me wrong, this was indeed a huge gift for many, many reasons — not the least of which was the fact I no longer had to hear people use the bathroom everyday in our cruddy little office building. Or sit looking at a windowless wall. Or freeze. Or swelter. But one of the key components of this experiment is being around people. In an office setting, I saw at least three people every day. From Day 1 of Lent I was around ZERO people all day long. That meant I had to be very deliberate about getting out and taking advantage of that time. Tricky!
Highly effective habits
My plan to establish a better connection with God — and consequently share deeds inspired by him during Lent —was rooted in prayer, scripture and silence. I have been sticking to that routine every single day. Wake up early, make coffee, read Forward Day by Day, copy scripture into Biblegateway.com, put it in the blog and share my thoughts.
That's been the process. And I have to say, it has been... exhilarating!
Routine can be so boring, but I am in the habit of doing this now and it is fun! I wake up each morning excited to see what kind of gems will be waiting for me in the day's devotional or scripture reading.
And now I can't stop. I planned on 40-something days, and now I'm on 50-something and Lent is in the rear view mirror. I feel closer to God when I'm sitting there at my computer each morning reading and tapping away. I wouldn't give it up for anything now! All that to say, I think forming the habit was really important. I'm not sure how many times it takes to establish a habit and how many days it takes to break one, but I'm addicted to this daily habit and the intimacy it has yielded.
What? I can't hear you because I'm thinking too loud!
So, my plan was to focus on three acts each day in order to stay focused and keep my ears open for direction: Prayer, Scripture and Silence.
The easiest and best part of the three has hands down been the act of reading scripture each morning. Today's technology makes it very manageable. Between Forward Day by Day, the Episcopal Church's agency that shares the prescribed prayer book scripture and a daily devotional, and Biblegateway.com it was a breeze. It has been like Christmas each morning — what profound or comforting word was going to jump out at me today?
Daily prayer has also been pretty do-able. On the mornings I run, I usually walk back from the Duck Pond and spend five minutes or so being grateful, purging troubling thoughts and asking for help. I have really liked asking God to "bless me," as suggested in the book The Jabez Prayer. It wasn't bless me as in "Lord, give me lots of stuff and make me amazing," but more along the lines of "work through me and let me help share your blessing." That prayer has helped me put the whole experiment into focus. His work, not mine.
OK, so silence has been the hard part. I have prolonged moments of silence during the day now that I am working from home. I write most of the day for the paper, so you'd think my brain would be in a good place. But my brain is a busy, loud, annoying and argumentative setting. Try as I might, it is very difficult to shut it down and embrace stillness. I have tried to be quiet and reflective when I turn the light out at night and also just before I wake up in the morning. But that often results in heavy eyes and more sleep. I have also tried turning off the radio in the car and tuning into silence. That works a little better, but I'm still focused on other things — like driving. This is an area in which I need to improve. This is an ongoing practice. But I still feel it is somehow a key part of hearing God. You can't hear if you're jabbering on and on. You can't listen if you're not quiet.
Big deeds, little deeds, dirty knees — look at these!
So what happened, you're wondering? What happened when I put a bigger focus on prayer, scripture and silence each morning and begged to be used for a deed? Well, like magic — opportunities revealed themselves hither and yonder.
Just like that Dr. Suess book,
Go Dog Go,
they came in every shape and form.
Some days, the inspired deed was to write someone a heartfelt letter — or email. Other days featured giant nudges that took me out of my comfort zone. For example, I stopped on the on-ramp of I-95 to see if I could help a mother whose car had broken down. One time I simply listened to someone and tuned in to what they were saying. Here's a random deed: I woke up at 3 a.m. to entertain my neighbors and watch the royal wedding together. (that didn't feel like a deed exactly because I wanted to do it and it was a terrific blast!)
And I'd say that was true of many deeding experiences. They didn't feel like deeds because they were things I would have done anyway. For example, visiting a family member in the hospital. Well, you don't exactly make a decision whether you are or are not going to do that. You just do it because you should. Or I followed through on volunteer projects or meetings. Again, that is something I had previously signed up for — not something I was inspired to do.
One more important note in this area: There were probably a dozen-plus deeds I didn't count each day that were ordinary, daily acts of service that I have to do as a mom, a daughter, a sister and a wife. They're part of my job description, so I do them. On that list is laundry, cooking, keeping things straight around the house, helping people when they're sick. Another footnote? If you're a nice person, which I feel like I am most of the time, little deeds just happen. Just because.
But the challenge was to be deliberate — and that's where some of the pressure came in. Sometimes I got stressed out late in the day if I hadn't consciously fulfilled a deed. But 9 times out of 10, a deed opportunity was just lurking around the corner. And if I had just not worried about it, all would have been well.
Another thing I noticed: It is very easy to throw money at deeding. I could easily accomplish deeding if I had a money tree in the backyard. Many of my deeds did involve sharing of funds — in small amounts. I put 30 cents in the take-a-penny-share-a-penny pot. I paid for the ice cream of the person behind me in line. I donated $10 to a charity's start-up program. Honestly, that is the easiest way to deed. But I keep thinking that doing unto others and considering their needs should not be an expense. And while it is completely possible to spend $1 a day doing a deed, I'd like to listen out for the deeds that don't cost a dime.
Some deeds have been daunting. Just today, I packed a water bottle and some pretzels in a bag to give to this weather-beaten man who sits at the hooker gas station every single solitary day. But when I approached the gas station this morning, he was sitting with a group of men — and a hooker! I gulped and sped past them. Now whether that was a sign of protection, or a sign of wimpiness, I'll never know — but similar scenarios have played out several times.
Have I accomplished big awesome audacious deeds during the past 40+ days? No. But it is my hope and my inkling that it's these little bitty, teeny weeny seemingly insignificant deeds — like making a point to smile at someone directly or offering a compliment or telling someone I love them — that may have puny splashes with big ripples.
It's a miracle! (or just a coincidence?)
Personally, I'm not sure I believe in coincidences anymore. There were plenty of serendipitous occasions during the past 40+ days, and with my radar up I did not miss many of them.
It was particularly interesting how many times the day's scripture standout later related to something that occurred that day. One of my favorites happened during my trip to New York. The scripture was something about a lion and a snake. I believe it was this: "
Psalm 91: 13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent." That resonated because RB and I spent weeks trying to get a reservation at this very posh "in" restaurant called The Lion, and while we were up there a big cobra snake escaped from the Bronx Zoo. What that means? I have no idea, but it was timely.
That was just a small example. And many of the scripture during Lent spoke to being a servant, which was helpful and encouraging. I really liked today's reading from 1 John that was like, and I'll paraphrase, "look, if you have clothes share them with people who don't have any. Got food? Share that, too." Simple directions.
Did miracles happen? Well I think a serendipitous event, a coincidence, if you will, is a miracle. One that really stands out was when I was up in North Carolina helping to plan some specifics of my friend's foundation. We desperately needed photos of my friend in her work environment for the website. No one had any. Then, out of the blue, her mother produced this CD she hadn't seen that no only had a couple of great photos — but hundreds! Would that have happened whether I had been focused on PSS and deeding? Probably. But it felt good to connect the dots.
Deeding means darker roots, furrier brows
I've noticed two very obvious things about deeding — it has made my hair darker and eyebrows more unruly. I am also more apt these days to wear something off the closet floor than stand around for 20 minutes pondering options. The sleek, flat-ironed hair look? It faces stiff competition from bobby-pinned twirls of wet hair, clipped clumps or the ever popular short ponytail in the cap.
Deeding hasn't turned me into a total slob. I still enjoy getting a pedicure and putting on a little makeup — even getting my steez on in Target's new Calypso section (it is something to see!) When my eyebrows get too crazy, I call up MAC and beg them to wax me up — and I know when a highlighting is in order. Primping for a night out, or getting my groove on for an event? It's still in my repertoire. I still love lookin' my best.
But all this do-gooding has helped me redefine the importance of appearance — and time spent on myself. When I'm consumed with what I am going to achieve that day for someone else, the way I look becomes is far less important. And at that point, I am able to achieve more for a common good.
Let me break it down a little bit. I'll make it simple — put it in Housewives terms. Let's pick on Kim from Housewives of Atlanta. When Kim is at home smoking, drinking chardonnay and practicing her vocals for "Tardy to the Party," she is often without full make-up and in her pajamas. She has work to do! She can't be spending all day looking fancy when she's producing the next big Drag Queen hit!
Look what happens when she turns the focus back on herself — when she spends hours on the tour bus primping and priming herself for stage perfection. It's a disaster!
There is a major wardrobe malfunction, and let's just say her performance is nothing short of — terrible.
Not to mention, she later gets the big finger wag from her nemesis/friend Ne Ne Leakes.
Moral of poor Kim's story? When there's work to be done, you put your big girl clothes on — or, as in Kim's case, your wig — and get going. When there is focus on doing a job or sharing talents, it becomes more about other people and less about how you look. It becomes more about the trannies who love Kim's voice, and less about her bubbies, hubbies, ciggies and chard. But look what happened when Kim spent hours on her appearance and worried about whether her girls were going to reveal themselves — she got horrible reviews, and a subsequent smack down. It wasn't nearly as productive.
Get out!
Deeding can definitely done with limited success from the computer. I had several great moments of do-gooding while I was alone at the house. Some of those acts included: writing notes of thanks; encouraging someone; writing a letter to a soldier serving overseas; and donating to various charities.
But the most exciting ones — the magical ones — occurred while I was out and about. But here's the rub: they NEVER happened when I was out and about worrying about the next place I needed to be or what I had forgotten. The cool deeds only happened when I was out — and present.
It was actually very fun. Instead of entering stores or restaurants or public places with a sharpened focus on my needs, I went in wondering how God was going to bless me with an encounter. It's like I put on a big sign that says, "I'm here to deed YOU. Who's it going to be?!" It changed my perspective of mundane places like Publix or the Post Office or the airport. Instead of being a total drag, they became a total gold mine!
And I believe the act of being present was the even deeper core. Deeding is best done in a community or public environment. But it is hard to see if you're not in the moment.
Don't think, just do!
My parents used to tell my younger brother, "think before you do." He was always getting into trouble for being impulsive — and I too am burdened with this family gene. Most times, being impulsive is not a positive. But when it comes to deeding, being impulsive is a required skill. Doing unto others, it turns out, requires less thought, and more doing.
I can't tell you how many times I have conversed with myself about whether or not I should help somebody. These diatribes run the gamut from reasons why I should not call and check on someone who is sick to why that other person has things under control. Mostly, my brain is concerned about how helping someone else might make me look strange. Brain also likes to tell me why it's just too hard or hot or impossible to do something. Many times — sadly, MOST times — brain wins!
In fact just yesterday I was loading my groceries at Publix. It was a hot afternoon. I had boob sweat and I was hungry — probably had low sugars or something. I slammed Beast Master's back door and saddled up, blasting my air conditioning. As I was backing out of the parking space, I saw my grocery cart sitting there catty wumpus and empty. "You should take the cart back and save someone else the trip," my instincts told me. "But it's really hot," Brain suggested. "And there are people paid to collect carts," it added. "And you are hungry and tired and you need to get back to the house and work," Brain said, smiling. "Go on, it's just a cart — don't even worry about it!" And off I went, knowing I made the wrong choice.
When Ashrafulla needed a place to stay, I thought and thought. I thought about how this was all going to impact me and my family. I hemmed and hawed. I worried and wondered. With trepidation, we said yes. But I guarantee a huge blessing will emerge. But did I have to go through all that to get to this place? You'd think I would have learned from a similar experience last year. We offered to let our church's fledgling youth minister live with us for a few months while she got her feet wet in her new job — to help her save money and get acclimated with the city and church. It was not an easy choice, but we made it. I can't even begin to describe the blessings that came out of her staying with us! Not only did our church community's youth offerings become stronger, but our own children had a bigger desire to be there — mostly because this youth minister is so wonderful. We learned hip new 20-something words, a fun plus! And we made a lifetime friend. Why is it so impossibly difficult to just do?
Thinking too much stands in the way of good deeds.
Black and white and red all over
I am a news junkie. I admit it. I read the daily paper each morning before the kids go to school, I have a daily subscription to the New York Times on my Kindle, I compulsively check CNN.com throughout the day and Shangri La for me is sitting on the couch at 6:30 p.m. with a glass of wine for the national network news and a Brian Williams viewing. Sigh.
Other favorite sources of "news" include People, USWeekly and TMZ.com and Facebook. When I get in the car, I might jam out to some Ke$ha or the Black Eyed Peas. But most of the time, my dial stays on 89.9, the NPR station. Of course, as a writer and editor of a local newspaper, I am also a hound when it comes to what's going on in the neighborhood. Basically, I love news — in any form.
This freakish news behavior has actually come in handy during the experiment. As it turns out, the news is a great source for being aware of others' needs around the world. It is also a great place to turn to see examples of people deeding and stepping in to help. This has been hugely inspiring — and has caused me to view the news (and hotties like my main news man Brian Williams) in a different light. Now I don't nestle into the couch with my chardonnay and say "tsk tsk that's terrible." I'm more likely now to wonder how I can help. Or to offer up a little prayer. On the flipside, when I see or read about people who are putting themselves out there in service or meeting needs — I see God at work. Thrilling! Who says you can't see God? He is televised 24 hours a day working through all these angels we see on the boob tube, or on a blog, or a website or magazine!
I have also noticed that I have been able to showcase examples of good deeds through my neighborhood newspaper coverage. Maybe I have been all along, but now I'm more aware that this is happening. During Lent, I got to cover some amazing stories: the women who started a dog biscuit baking company to provide job training for special young adults who have aged out of school;
the foundation that miraculously received angels to use a its primary fundraiser;
or the young man at Bolles who has established a "Random Acts of Kindness" program at his school to memorialize his late sister. Good stuff is happening all around us. And if you watch or read the news with new eyes, you can see it quite plainly.
The result?
This is simple and obvious. I have gotten back on a schedule. I've made prayer, scripture and silence a life priority again — and that feels awesome. I don't feel like I'm neglecting this important part of my life anymore. I also feel so much more aware of others and what's going on in their lives. And I see how I can be a blessing in many of them if I just shut up, girt up and let God work through me.
The 40th day done
So that's it for initial observations of 40 Days of Doing Unto Others. But I can't say it's the end of the Lenten experiment. I'm going to keep chugging. Now that I'm in the habit, I plan to continue. What am I going to do, said the compulsive housewife/editor, change my routine? Join me if you like, or try it yourself! It's not rocket science and beautiful events result. When I turn 40 on May 8, 2012 there will have been, all told, 14,265 Days Unto Me and 425 Days Unto Others. It's not much in the big scheme of things. (And I also secretly love how the numbers are so coincidentally similar.) Parting words? Mark 10: 43 "Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be a slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and give his life as a ransom for many."
